i've been bombarded with rock bios
people give them to me as presents
come the holidays i get a stack of rock reading
"craig's into music - we'll get him a rock bio!"
i read them all
and i've saved you some time
and made a little fill in the blanks / multiple choice page
so you can feel like you've read all the rock bios too!
I grew up in (England / The South). We were (poor/ middle class) but didn't really feel like much was missing from our life. We didn't have (indoor toilets / heat / television). When I heard (Chuck Berry / Little Richard) everything changed. I knew I had to become a musician. I met (skinny lead singer / scruffy guitar player) at a (train station / apple orchard) in (1958 / 1968). He was clutching a copy of (Catcher in the Rye / John Mayall's Bluesbreakers) I knew right then my future would be tied to his.
We began (writing songs / hanging out in music stores) and soon met up with (detached bass player / soon to be fired keyboard player) and we started rehearsing above a (fish and chips store / radio repair shop). Girls started hanging around and I ended up losing my virginity to (Sister Moonshine / a girl named Patti / Sweet Sweet Connie). It was at this time that (a friend of the band with a van / opportunistic weasel) began managing us and we cut our first record for (BBC / Columbia). I remember (skinny lead singer / scruffy guitar player) catching (a cold / the clap).
During our first tour of (America / Hamburg / Manchester) we discovered (insert addictive drug of choice). From there I (died / wrote some of the greatest music ever made). Because the money was rolling in, I never saw a need to quit. It wasn't until I (saw God at Woodstock / threw up on the front row / slept with a Tranny) that I realized I needed help. My manager flew me to Switzerland and I got clean.
Now I'm (67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 73, 74, 75) and I'm happy to discover that I have (children / a bank account / a 1959 Les Paul Gold Top) and that life is (almost over / sweet). Being clean (has ruined my music / forced me to sue my manager for my publishing) and more importantly enabled me to atone for all the bad times I may have inflicted on other people. The best way to say you're sorry is to (write a cheque / put their name in a song).
I'm looking forward to (lunch / a new hearing aid) and can't wait to (hit the road / duet with Elton). My new album is (largely forgettable / auto tuned) and hits (Starbucks / Starbucks / Starbucks) next week. I leave you now with these parting words - (you can get what you want providing you don't mind writing people out of song credits / have a good time all the time / in the end the love you take is partially owned by Michael Jackson's estate).
october 13, 2013
tea and sympathy